My Philosophy of (Dis)engagement
Finding the balance between cutting ties or dissecting lives
Thursday, September 21, 2023 - 12:05 PM
The beautiful and bold
is a weaver of rich words especially in her own sound bites, and as I was thinking about this post on what causes me to remove and adhere myself to humanity as a whole, specific people/communities, and certain passionate discourses, I went back to listen to my own treasure trove of recordings on my phone.My above clip would be how a romantic engagement would play out if I was ever in that position again. No doubt, I’m a pill to swallow at times. Sure, I’m glorious for a night or season, but for years?! I have a tendency to disengage too soon or abruptly. Prone to sinking my teeth into life and relationships, I hunt for substantial meat as I despise small talk. Always hungry for more.
For someone who never wanted to get married or have children, my husband and kids are solidified in one-size-fits-only-four positions that cannot be replicated in this life. I hope I haven’t damaged them too much.
In our everyday interactions, I believe connection leads to belonging which then leads to engagement. Because “complicated” should be my middle name, let’s start by going backwards.
Belonging begets engagement
My desire for my writing is to connect, especially since my odd self puts me on the periphery, banished to the murky waters of taboo topics and lifestyles. But I enjoy starting with the result, which means focusing on how belonging leads to engagement.
As some of you know, my husband and I are not really sexually compatible. We are on opposite wavelengths of physical desire. I crave sex with my high-drive, interest in sexual exploration, and bisexuality. He thinks about sex maybe “a minute per day.” (I actually left The Foxhole, my she shed, to walk back into the house to get this scientific information as he’s sick with COVID.)
We’ve invested in almost twenty years of marriage. Though I have my open lifestyle (monogamish, at this point?) which isn’t as fun as one would assume, we engage in ways that stem from the belonging shown in our insane communication skills, thick-like-molasses compassion, and well-appreciated quirks. Like my thrice-sliced c-section scar, we’ve stitched ourselves into a collective mark that is well-earned and representative of healing, now smooth and flat when it was once jagged and bumpy. Belonging makes it safe to engage. To see the good and the bad, to still have the gumption to muddle around and love it all.
And the way my man, winner of all the word games, pouts when he loses Doubles… 🤤
Connection begets belonging
Tuesday, September 5, 2023 - 8:19 AM - Sorry, I was in the shower. When inspiration hits…
“Palpable.” In what ways are you deliciously startled? What triggers the response “You see me”? In what ways do you feel safe to let your guard down? Like NRE, new relationship energy, we can’t get to belonging unless there is an initial, intense connection.
We all want to be rescued from the everyday. The desire to be pushed outside of our boundaries.
I’m desperate to be dazzled.
A crossroads of (dis)engagement
I’m not very patient. This magical spell of connection-belonging-engagement has to come fast for me to stick around. Is everyone else like this? I would think we’re at least moving in this direction as our attention spans shorten. My reasoning, though, is that I don’t feel like I have enough time. Sure, as a parent, but more so with my remaining time here. It’s precious and delicately carved out because when I give, I give big. I want my expelled energy to be of value.
Is this self-care or impatience? Protection or selfishness? Am I fair when I measure reciprocation?
I never know how to gauge this.
I love your questions. As a writer, poet, woman first, I often struggle to figure out how to engage AND disengage in the world of shared romance. And what the ideal situation is in the present. Because I have grown to know, with much clarity and experience, that once I think I figure it out, it all changes. So I ask, "how can I use patience as a practice of cultivating the pleasure I desire with myself and with others?"
I can't wait to read more of your insight! (and thank you for the shout out and kind words :)
Great question to self-introspection! I've been focusing on the practice of wu wei lately, which emphasizes on the importance of the present and alleviating the need for control. More allowing what needs to come, stay, and go in my life without an internal fight.