Q&A: Behind the Scenes of My HuffPost Piece
How it came together, telling our son, and what's next on my ENM journey
I’m grateful, but friends, I’m kind of ready to move on from the piece already. It hasn’t even been a week. If you know the writing world, this publication is just a high-profile clip for my portfolio, pushing me forward to the next (bigger) project. The publishing world is like that.
So this will probably be my last Substack post about the article because I’m excited to continue my writing journey as I pursue my sensual endeavors.
I’ve tried to think of some questions in order to let readers know what was going on for the past couple of months. Have more questions? Please comment below!
How did this story come about?
The woman I interacted with in the piece connected with me literally the day I ended a long-time on-again-off-again FWB relationship with a guy in Boise. (He’s referenced in some of my pieces and the chapter on him in my WIP memoir is too long. Stupidly, we reconnected over and over again.) The day was a rollercoaster, and I was emotionally spent and fiercely suspicious.
The model and I engaged in more conversation that month prior to my birthday (about a year ago), and yes, my insecurity led to the break in our connection. I still regret that but have moved on.
I finished grad school in the spring and started my job hunt, but the story had to be written down. In a rough draft, it sat in my Google Drive.
In October 2023 (after another break with Boise Guy and no responses from two New York Times Modern Love submissions), I was hungry to do something big, so I looked at a submissions list from an editor-friend. The HuffPost Personal column stood out.
I was familiar with the column but decided to scour recent pieces and took tedious notes on format, style, and topic. With that, I prepped and sent my quirky pitch about ghosting a 20-year old model due to our age gap to the editor.
The very kind Noah Michelson was interested and asked me to re-pitch the following week when he was in the office. Cool, right?
Getting a feel for Noah’s informal style, I edited the pitch and sent it again. He gave me the green light but warned me that they were currently accepting about 1 out of 100 submissions.
I cleaned up my draft with my overthinking and fine-teething until I said “Fuck it. It is what it is.”
Sent it to Noah, and he liked it! Contract, payment info, and accompanied photos were handled, but Noah also wanted to make sure my husband was okay with the piece.
My husband has always had full and line-item veto power about pieces concerning our marriage, but he’s always been my biggest supporter. This was no different as he encouraged me to write my truth.
Noah thanked me and told me he would get in touch in about 12-16 weeks, closer to when the piece would go live.
That waiting sucked, especially since I knew the piece could still be shelved.
In the meantime, I went to burlesque class and hesitantly started going to a romance book club. (I’m not an “HEA” kind of girl, but I was invited by a very good friend.) I continued my job hunt and got hired for a phenomenal position in professional development. Holidays and my daughter’s birthday. I also started the process of letting go of Boise Guy and seeking people who valued my depth and could better empathize.
And then, Noah popped back in to let me know it was time. He gave me a few options for titles and subtitles, and I received the proof to review. That day, January 22, 2024, was busy, but I finally had time to read it during evening gymnastics. I waved goodbye to my daughter as she headed into the gym, got comfortable on the bleachers, and made sure there weren’t other moms hovering close by.
I read over the piece once. That was all I needed. It was real. I wasn’t scared or cared what others thought of me. I was ready.
Finally, Noah sent me the link early January 30th when it went live.
(And I’m still alive!)
Have you read the comments posted to your article?
Me? No way. I have no desire to. Not even curious. Now other friends have read comments on HuffPost and after Yahoo picked up the piece, and:
No, I’m not an influencer for Feeld, the dating app for ethical nonmonogamous/polyamorous dating and kink exploration. I loathe being on there. It’s like a necessary evil, like Walmart. I get the most potential connections on Feeld compared to other apps I’ve tried, but most go nowhere. I would prefer to meet people in the community organically, but that’s difficult in my area.
On Yahoo, my husband read like four comments. One person mentioned he probably had someone on the side. We laughed and laughed over that one during our dinner out.
Do your kids know?
We told our oldest the weekend before the piece went live. It was the scariest admission for me. He could probably sense the gravity of the situation because later he told us he thought we were going to tell him we were getting a divorce. Hearing about my sexuality and exploration was surprising but somewhat of a relief. (In his mind, he was already debating who he was going to live with as he sat down on our bed.) He took it well, but I know it’s still marinating. We encouraged him to ask any questions and told him he could read it when he felt ready, if ever.
All three kids know we occasionally go out with friends of the opposite sex. I don’t want them growing up in the world of “good ol’ boys networks” where women feel isolated or like Jezebels for wanting to engage in conversations with male friends.
Why did you leave organized religion?
So where have you been over the past decade? Let's see. The Church's disregard for human life during the pandemic. Sexual abuse scandals (in the SBC, in particular, which was our denomination). Harmful effects of purity culture and complementarianism, especially on women and girls. Depression overload (which makes sense when you're constantly reminded how you’re evil and prone to fucking up). A history of supporting slavery, assimilation of Native peoples, conversion therapy for homosexuals, conspiracy theories, promoting a dangerous "us" vs. "them" dynamic, Trump idol worship, etc.
Basically, the Church has defined itself by what it hates, not what it loves. And it will rank sins by advocating for the cover up for whatever hurts "the brand" and silencing victims.
I could go on, but I would love to enjoy the last bit of my weekend.
No, one more thing.
Think about it. Though we started talking about our sexual incompatibility after leaving ministry, do you think we could have stayed if we admitted that in small group? Uh no. People would say my husband was keeping conjugal rights from me. Thankfully, we don't have a dead bedroom situation, just different drives and interests. Some Christians have suggested we divorce though we love each other. In other words, the Church would not know what to do with us.
In an odd way, I kind of like that.
(I get a lot of people who want to correct me on all of this, but with over two decades elbow-deep in many facets of ministry and in multiple denominations, you’re wasting your breath. If it’s uplifting to you, that’s awesome.)
Do you still believe in God?
Yes, it's hard for me to believe we all happened by accident without an intelligent Creator at the helm. I'm just trying to navigate my spiritual journey without the template of Americanized, entrepreneurial, and influencer-like faith systems.
What's next?
Though I’m not a fan of Feeld, I want to stick it out through my Majestic membership. (One perk is being able to go into incognito mode because men bombard me.) I really want to build friendships with people like me in my area who don't really fit anywhere as I celebrate my sensuality in middle-age. I have fun events in Portland and Seattle to attend this winter and spring as I continue writing about my discovery. Using pieces of my creative capstone project, I started my memoir last year as I tried to figure out why I am the way I am sexually and why I'm drawn to the erotic. So my plan includes writing, exploration, and community.
Did I miss anything? Ask away, friends.
As I mentioned, I’m ready to move on to more adventures and pieces of writing. In the next few weeks, I would love to share another piece (maybe one of the NYT rejections?), introduce some of you to one of my favorite posts to compose, The Fracture, which showcases links/music/people I find interesting in the moment, and share what I glean from my friend’s sex positivity conference in Portland later this month.
Have an amazing week as we all pursue authenticity and connection and scarfing down only the best chocolates from those Valentine’s candy boxes because we can.
Wish I could have a conversation with your partner/husband to learn more about how he processes your development and maturity. Just sayin….
Such a breath of fresh air and honesty, vulnerability... Freeing. Thanks a bunch for your courage.