The Election Reminded Me That I Never Belonged to Either Side

From evangelical pastor's wife to pansexual goddess, I'm still called to edit myself.

I'll have a fun post later today. (Emotionally, I need it!) Specifically, the first chapter of my ridiculous, smutty grad school novel.

This is all I feel like saying about the election because there is too much noise, and most of it is telling me, as a woman, what to do right now and how to feel. It's frustrating.

Sure, I'm disappointed, but I'm pissed that so many left-leaning women are surprised right now.

I am very familiar with this conservative world that came in full force, specifically, the people who put the former president in power again. I know evangelicals well as a former member of the largest protestant denomination in the U.S. I volunteered in nursery, on youth trips, attended seminary, planted a church, and helped my husband lead one (unofficially, of course) before we left in 2021.

I was hopeful for a new era, especially one led by a woman and to be finally done with Trump, but I cringed at how many progressive women were adamant of a big Harris blowout. They did not know the beast, hence feeling too comfortable in their blue bubbles.

Many want to blame men, but you have no idea the multitude of women who lap up the rewards they receive from the patriarchy, offering them protection in many ways as they trade in their autonomy in order to be a part of a collective. After all, there's strength in numbers.

After evangelical life, I've never felt like I truly belonged anywhere. (Maybe that's why I define myself as a progressive Independent, also registered as one.) I left one cult, and I wasn't about to jump into another. My desire to release inhibitions and celebrate my body in sensual ways seemed to bother feminists and leftist women. My confidence and joy brought insecurity... from both sides of the aisle. I noticed I still needed to dial back and edit myself in left-leaning circles because I wasn't "serious enough" or I used my body "to appeal to the male gaze." (That's really hilarious to me because I'm pansexual. I just simply like what I like, and I copy whatever makes me throb and swoon.)

Also in my sensual discovery, I’m apparently not meeting the societal expectations of modest, humble, and sacrificial motherhood as paraded during the DNC. (Tracy Clark-Flory for the win, as usual.) Additionally, funny how a month later the Surgeon General released an advisory on parental mental health: “Parents should make time for themselves, he said, to do activities that bring them joy or improve their health, without feeling guilt that they’re spending time away from their children.” Well, which one is acceptable, Democrats?! Sheesh.

Many news outlets and writers are dissecting what went wrong. It's not rocket science. If I, a progressive queer woman who voted for Harris, felt the left-leaning, cancel-culture status quo was elitist and exclusive, so did many other women. (That and fear worked more on them than on us. Losing their livelihood and survival were apparently more of a threat to them.)

You aren't the most welcoming bunch, especially to those with a provocative bent.

In my evangelical days, we were urged to invite people out for coffee, get comfortable with unbelievers’ questions (until they make it into church, of course), and to “meet people where they are” (again, until they make it into church). Many liberals I know suck at this. If we keep isolating ourselves and only hanging out with our kind, many people will find a home somewhere else, like in dark corners of the internet: scary neo-Nazi chat rooms or looking up recipes to bake bread (just stop already).

I don’t know where I fit, especially with so many talking heads, but the only thing that feels appropriate to me moving forward is to unapologetically TAKE UP SPACE.