The Fracture: December 2024
What broke me this past month with a dash of NYE reflection
Here’s the monthly rundown of what made me pause and ponder, break and remake, and linger a bit on a page, song, or image.
The articles
Research shows men and women envy certain attributes of the other gender which brings ablative envy, defined as “envying something that the other person does not have, but which the envious person does not want to have.”
From my desire to hack our societal need to be liked as I strive to become an Adlerian (see: The Courage to be Disliked) badass: "What social rejection teaches your brain.”
Heard of “lavender marriages”? Don’t we all kind of get to this point after decades of marriage anyway? (In some parts of the world, these exist out of a need for personal safety from discrimination and violence.) I can understand settling down out of convenience with how horrible dating is right now, but I want romance and passion and spark.
My three gifted NYT articles:
Sarah Bernstein’s opinion piece about current dating culture and how gender roles and expectations have evolved (and not) in our politically divisive landscape.
Let’s study lesbian pulp fiction of the 1950s-60s! 😍
Another opinion piece, this one by David French: “The Trouble Began When #MeToo Became #ChurchToo.” You know this topic burns me up. (Of course, my former denomination is mentioned.)
And finally, because I so badly want superpowers. (Seriously, as we’ve talked about, readers, I think I’m one of these.)
The music
I’ve gone back to classic rock favorites on my long commutes. I grew up with The Doors, Led Zeppelin, ELO, Santana, and on and on. Good music before my parents found the “real” Jesus when I was in seventh grade, and then we only listened to worship music. When I was a teenager visiting my mom’s family on Long Island, I was jamming out to one of my aunt’s disco compilation CD sets and using taped up cassettes to record songs. I remember fondly how my dad did not approve of “Boogie Oogie Oogie” by A Taste of Honey.
“Evil Woman” - Electric Light Orchestra
Taking into account this year of Feeld conversations, connections that I knew would not produce a spark, and still hurt over the end of a two-year off-and-on, toxic, emotional situationship, I dabbled in relationships half-heartedly.
Men and a few women were not just about sex but wanted deeper emotional connection. Some of them were truly fantastic individuals, but I lost interest and couldn’t reciprocate.
Sure, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and went on dates or opened up my availability, but I couldn’t feel the magic. I couldn’t force it. I tried.
I closed that chapter this past fall and decided to focus on my own solo exploration and my marriage.
I’m sure some see me as an “evil woman,” but I’m transparent and blunt. I like that about myself. People never have to wonder about me and how I truly feel. I’m also very loyal and will treat the people in my inner circle like gold. And then if they want to skip out, they should know I don’t bluff. Conjuring up another classic rock reference but with a modification, I’m like “Reverse Hotel California.” When you check out, there’s no coming back.
I know my worth.
“Like a Rolling Stone” - Bob Dylan
I read Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life over a year ago, and the authors mention this popular Bob Dylan song. There are perks to being a rolling stone and living a nomadic, ever-moving life, but not having stability can be overwhelming. There are times we should let a little moss collect on us as we settle and times we should allow ourselves to smooth out.
I’m looking forward to balancing that out this year. This is a challenge. I don’t like staying put.
“All My Love” - Led Zeppelin
I’ve loved this song since I was a kid, but my favorite part is at 2:54 - 3:13. If you’ve read my Lookbook posts, you know my affinity for pieces of songs and how they would be perfect for indulgent intimacy and/or voracious fucking. When these snippets of melody play, it’s like a switch being flipped in my head. I go far away.
The art
I stumbled upon
, the talented illustrator/cartoonist behind the Substack Skookworks. Thank you, algorithm!
Give him a follow or subscribe, find his image-a-day here, and peruse his designs on Redbubble.
The books
I finally started reading a Christmas present from last year, The Best American Short Stories 2023. The first story, “Tender” by Cherline Bazile, details the connection of second-generation immigrant teens who become frenemies. I finished the BASS 2022 this fall and am always on the lookout for older editions. Lauren Groff’s 2024 selections will just have to wait.
Tony Tulathimutte’s Rejection, on many book lists this year, was a deliciously dark read. How do we view rejection? How does it distort our perception of us? Our likability? How much the world is out to get us? The author brings together loosely-connected short stories to reveal a vomit of desperation. There were times I wanted to scream “Stop being pathetic!” to the characters and other times blankly stared at the page after reading a passage that felt uncomfortably familiar. According to the Wikipedia page, The New Yorker describes the book as “fun ... to read a book about a bunch of huge fucking losers." At times, it was painful to dive into the characters’ turmoil.
The random
Sometimes when I get a new subscriber, especially if the domain name is suspicious, I start thinking it's not someone who's interested in my work, but coworkers playing pranks on each other.
"Hey, Rob's going to get in a shit load of trouble when he gets her emails."
Rob gets a notification that I just posted "My Dildo Ate My Other Dildo." His wife sees it. She's delighted pissed.
Also about you... Not always but more than you realize, I see what you subscribe to and like. Some of you are real gems and have soft spots in my heart.
I see a queer-, polyam-, and kink-friendly therapist. During our last session, we talked about what I really want to do with my life. I'm too good at my job, but it's soul-numbing. (I have to "turn it on" for other people, not in the sensual way I would prefer.)
She surprised me when she suggested I look into being a sex educator, making sure to differentiate between sex educator and sex therapist (what she does, as if I would be a shitty sex therapist... which is true).
"Well, shouldn't a sex educator be having... well... more sex than I do?" I laughed and then dead-panned. "I don't know, I'm also interested in what femme dommes and surrogate partners do."
I love that she nodded as if I said "art teacher" or "pastry chef."
Notable things that bothered me: when one of my coworkers pranked me using one of my fears: police composite sketches; enneagram 4s (except one, she knows who she is); when football players receive those huge championship win T-shirts to wear over their gear. What a waste. When will they wear that again?
Talking about football, what made my heart explode and will be my motivational mental image for 2025:
The cinnamon roll Pop-Tart mascot descending into the faux toaster while holding a "Follow Your Dreams" sign after the Iowa State-Miami game. Precious.
See you next year for some haphazard plans (for normies) that actually make sense (to me).
Love you. Bye. 😘