Trace My Clavicle (Metaphorically): Unveiling My Paid Offerings

Pics of me, chapters of someone very much like me, and chatting with you

This is a special occasion, hence the flossing pic.

Source: Its Happening The Office GIF by NBC on GIPHY

As you know, dear readers, I’ve mulled over this, what specifically to offer to paid subscribers starting November 2024. I do not take this lightly. This deeper dive into my sensual nature, understanding bodily and mental ownership after evangelicalism, and how I find muses in the strangest places are sensitive matters that have developed incrementally over many, many years.

This week, I’m coming off a rejection from a top-tier journal and a very belated (one year and seven month) rejection from a mid-tier journal. As a writer, that’s normal, a part of the commitment, but it reminds me how hungry I am for connection, as mentioned through so many previous posts. As a pastor’s wife, a small part of me wanted to blare out my secrets during small group game nights (Apples to Apples… scandalous!) or pot lucks with five disgusting mac and cheese options. (People find ways to fuck up mac and cheese.) I wanted to shake people and ask, “Does this all make sense to you? If Christ brings freedom, why do I feel so stifled?!” (I still believe in a higher power, but organized religion is a no for me.)

Since my first Substack post on April 28, 2023, I’ve experienced very slow growth but a new sense of empowered trajectory.

I left Medium for Substack because I wanted to see specifically who was seeking my experience via strings of words threaded into this abyss. Who would find me? Who would care enough and not mind reading my thoughts and about my journey? Who wouldn’t mind if I invaded their sacred email inbox? (In case you didn’t know, Medium has a different subscription structure where members pay Medium, and writers get compensated based on readership. On here, your paid subscription fees go directly to the writer—after Substack takes its share. Those are the basics.)

You’ve been with me through the (multiple) ending(s) of a toxic relationship, the ups and downs of my marriage, my viral HuffPost piece, confusion about my sensual autonomy and sexuality, attempting not to care about what people think of me in a small town post-ministry, and excursions in nakedness and the world of burlesque, to name a few things I covered on here. Sharing all of this, along with the recent purchase of a cute Honda Civic sports coupe even though I have three kids, has made for a proper, hot-suburban-mom mid-life crisis.

But it goes deeper than that. I was a child who was afraid of everything. I have a history of panic attacks. Add the expectations to be modest and a source of pride as a pastor’s wife and immigrant’s daughter, and it’s amazing to realize how far I’ve come.

Now, I can own the room while snuggling into a corner to ask others bold, wild questions. I enjoy the art of pushing delicately into comfort zones. I’ve come to believe that embarrassment is a transfer of power. My unraveling is never outlandish nor precipitous; I unfurl with premeditation and sentimental edging.

With that, here is what I’m sharing through paid subscriptions starting next month and will be filtered under The Remedy tag:

• My lookbook of sensual self-portraits. I learned to love my body and get comfortable with my provocative nature by simply taking photos of myself. No boudoir package needed. Starting in 2021, these sessions became therapy for me. I chose clothing, themes, backgrounds, playlists, lighting, etc. Sometimes these were taken in Airbnbs and others from The Foxhole, my she shed. This endeavor was awkward at first, but I now crave the release. Once a month, I’ll post what I was thinking and how these photos powered me through self-discovery. (You’ve seen bits of these as the main photos for posts.) I’ve always wanted a coffee table book of these moments of bravery, and this becomes an electronic version. I’m so proud of my collection. It feels good to say, yes, I am art.

• The ridiculous smut-thriller I wrote in grad school. This was a fun, low-pressure project, my first attempt at long-form writing, that made me giggle, especially knowing my male professor was going to read it. Every other week, I’ll release a chapter from Open for Business. It’s not considered one of “my babies,” so feel free to ask questions and offer improvements. Here’s the synopsis:

  Elise and Ethan Mallory are trying to navigate the complexities and adventures of their open marriage, but when Elise meets a new provocative entrepreneur, the Mallorys’ relationship gets entwined with suspicions, scandal, and murder.

  As my husband read through it, he kept saying, “Wow, this main character sounds just like someone I know.” Minus the homicide, of course.

• Ability to direct message. Be nice.

And other bonuses as they arise, especially for founding members. (What could I do with video? Readings? Live update while shooting or on an adventure? Moments of insight as I write this finicky memoir of mine? Giveaways from my little storehouse of sensual art and accessories?)

Basically, The Remedy (earworm alert!) will offer glimpses into my “treatment” or how I got more comfortable with sensuality through images and words. These are the projects that made me initially cringe and then question: “Why am I not proud of this?!” The constant push and pull. You will see it. You will feel it through the screen.

And other questions will hopefully be answered through these specific posts: What did/does healing look like (for me) post-purity culture? What did I have to un-learn? What will I discover as I recount this time period since 2021? To be honest, I’m actually more interested in finding out what you will discover about yourself. Buyer beware!

Again, everything else will stay the same for all subscribers:

• The Gnawing - My posts about writing, life (sensual and not), and joyful venting.

• The Cavity - My previously published works from other publications (usually remixed a bit).

• The First Cut - The new, odd, dicey pieces.

• The Fracture - A monthly rundown of what’s giving me inspiration or breaking me (articles, art, books, music, etc.)

Even if no one signs up, I’m actually excited to catalog this, how far I’ve come in such a short amount of time after living with ingrained inhibitions for most of my life.

Whether free or paid, thank you for making this journey less lonely for me.