Purity Culture, the "Billy Graham Rule," and Writing about Desire
Getting more comfortable writing without inhibitions
So I come from evangelicalism's obsession with purity culture. Basically, PC encourages people in the church to keep themselves pure (virginal and non-tempting) for their future spouse. Taking the stereotypical view that all men are sex-obsessed, it’s important for women, stereotypically more sexually prudent, to keep themselves modest in dress and not be provocative in behavior so as to not cause men to stumble into temptation.
I'm a seminary dropout, so I have zero interest in analyzing this debate with Bible verses. Been there, done that. Don’t care. Spoiler alert: Jesus says if you lust after a woman, you should not tell her to stop wearing yoga pants or chastise her, but gouge out your own eyes.
Most people, even clear-headed believers, know PC puts an immense amount of pressure and assumptions on women (and girls).
Such as:
We have no sexual desire.
We should agonize over our wardrobe choices (especially during summer).
Be friendly but not too friendly.
When I was 16 and working at a shoe store after school, my 50-something-year-old coworker told me I had sexy eyes.
And yes, I do, but does that mean I should cover my eyes to prevent him from possibly fantasizing about me? Why do I need to accommodate?
My point is anything can be an agent for sexual temptation, and this goes beyond clothing and physical appearance. The way I tell a joke, my hospitality, and the fact I initiated small talk during a boring kids' soccer game… all dangerous conduits!
It’s a losing game. Rigged carnival games but in real life.
When my husband and I left ministry, it felt wonderful to wear something just because I liked how my body looked in it. I still struggle with this, and I’m known for jumping back and forth between embracing my body and wondering if I am appropriate.
Let me say that again: if I am appropriate. Not wondering if what I'm wearing is appropriate, but if my body is appropriate with my amazing ass, tight abs, Shakira-like “small yet humble” breasts1, and long dark hair. Am I too much? Purity culture says I am.
Imagine that push and pull in loving and hating yourself for simply being.
No, I don’t want to live that way. If I'm going to get ogled, no matter how I drape my body, the problem is not me.
I wrote about this issue in my creative capstone project for grad school. In one of my segmented essays, I mention the “Billy Graham Rule” which has become another evangelical boundary that labels women as the sexual enemy:
The Billy Graham rule (n.):
Rule stating a man should never be alone with a woman who is not his wife or another female family member in order to prevent temptation or gossip about such meeting. This also protects the woman from being labeled as a slut who would tempt a good man. Typically used by heterosexual men to uphold their good Christian reputations. Originates from the practice of the late evangelist Billy Graham who would not meet with women alone without his wife present.
Used in a sentence:
Example #1: “Jerry still has to work with that hot secretary, so the closest he can follow the Billy Graham rule is to keep his office door wide open. That stupid bitch.”
Example #2:
“Ha, the Billy Graham rule would suck for bisexuals!” Greg said.
“Are you attracted to every woman you meet?” Susan asked.
“Uh, no,” Greg said, scrunching his face. “You know what I mean!”
Good times, right?
Thankfully, I’m getting more comfortable welcoming sensuality and being honest about sexual desire. The piece “A Desired Name,” printed for Mookflake Press (2021), was my first transition out of Christian women’s writing to more provocative personal narrative:
“Beautiful name for a beautiful woman,” said the server.
I cock my head and offer a slight smile.
My brain automatically conjures possible interactions, positions, and, of course, sounds.
I straighten my posture, shorten my breaths so my bosom stays up and out, and let out the slight pop of an open pout.
Our eyes meet off and on and serve as a reminder to live up to what has become a tried-and-true gatekeeper, my given name.
With my mind clogged, I smile at my husband and cross and uncross my legs.
It’s always a process (noun) when processing (present participle) the un-processing (gerund).
With my latest published piece, “Wish You Were Here,” I took a few more baby steps in admitting desire and sexual expression, but it’s nowhere near what I admit to in my stories safely hidden away in my capstone.
As I say goodbye to the world of education via substitute teaching in the next few weeks, I’m looking forward to shedding more inhibitions. I take comfort in knowing that my writing is not being read by the people I know in real life. Or at least I tell myself that because then I write more raw and honest content. As a creative nonfiction writer, I never had a desire to use a pseudonym, especially since it’s unfavorable in the genre.
I love indulging in the dissection of my hurt and passion, especially within the confines of everyday life, coaxed by a robotic everything-is-proper-and-fine-ness. As I get bolder in this endeavor, I want my readers to be encouraged to do the same.
Desiree McCullough needs to get out of this sexy jumpsuit and go for a run. Find out more about her at desireemccullough.com or on Twitter.
Did you know Shakira wrote “Whenever, Wherever” with GLORIA ESTEFAN?!