My Solo Sensuality Checklist

Because depending on others is a waste of time... and I worry about time.

Room for two, but just me without you.

I’ve learned that I’m a finicky person. Couple that with the fact I've been programmed to be a loner since childhood (see: grew up with parents who were pretty self-destructive and engrossed in their train wreck marriage), and I naturally come to the conclusion that I do best discovering my sensuality on my own.

Don’t get me wrong; I crave, get giddy, desperately yearn for intimate connection with others. It’s my favorite way to let go, especially since I’m someone who is constantly in control. But with little experience in relationships, I tend to go into sabotage mode because I like giving ways out for others and, like most, I don’t want to be rejected. Interestingly enough, rejection to me is not a blatant “no” (I don’t really get those), but it’s more so experienced in not being “in the know” or feeling left in the dark. Let me be clear: I am no backburner girl, so I come with a fire escape plan with all of the exits marked.

I have a different list, a sacred kink, sexual exploratory list titled “The Religion” which makes sense since I've adopted the goddess moniker, especially pithy since I’m a former pastor’s wife. Safe away in my Google Drive, it was meant for exploring with a specific person who has moved into the “Someone I Used to Know” category. I’m weary of bringing the list out again for someone else. I don’t like feeling vulnerable, and “The Religion” put my trust into someone who didn’t think I was worth the effort. I actually need to edit him out of the list, but I don’t even want to look at it.

Moving on… (That’s what therapy is for.)

The Affair… but the last season was blah. | Season 4 Ben GIF By Showtime on GIPHY

So I’m focusing on solo sensual pursuits this year. When I was working on my memoir last year, I knew I wanted to bring my story into the present since I’m still a baby on this journey of discovery. Instead of offering a chronological retelling of why I am the way I am, I want to offer a hybrid memoir where I take my readers on how I’m indulging in my sexual curiosities now while occasionally dipping into the past when relevant. I’ve also been disappointed on my last few meetups which cost too much money, took me away from family and writing, and didn’t create sparks for me.

So this is my current list for solo sensuality:

Yoni massage

Let’s ask Wikipedia for help: “Yoni massage or yonic massage, derived from the word Yoni, a representation of the vulva which symbolizes the goddess Shakti, is a type of Tantric full-body massage. It primarily focuses on the labia, clitoris, G-spot, uterus, the breasts, the anus and other erogenous zones.”

There are gray areas in regard to how legal (in many cases, no) and regulated (nope) the practice is.

So that’s all I’m going to say about that right now.

Randy Marsh GIF By South Park on GIPHY

Perfecting my mental edging exercise

I haven’t done this in a while, but I was surprised how far gone I was last time. I don’t even know if there’s a name for this. Basically, a specific, very sexy song goes on repeat. I imagine a partner on the other side of the room, and I talk through what I want to do. I also try not to touch myself. I then pretend I’m getting closer and closer to the imaginary partner until I’m about to burst.

As I’ve said before: “You can keep the mysteries of the universe and the unexplored darkness of the deepest oceans. I’m humbled by the most ominous last frontier. The human mind.”

Sex club

This one is tricky. Even though sex clubs take consent and inappropriate behavior very seriously (oftentimes with mandatory orientation for first-timers), I imagine women usually come with a partner or group. I just haven’t been able to coordinate this with friends in Portland and Seattle. I would just watch, especially if going by myself. Need to bite the bullet and just go, I guess.

Nudist resort/vacation

I’ve come to really enjoy my naked body, and it took a very long time to get to this point. Like sex clubs, many of these vacation hotspots take consent seriously. I was inspired by Jenny Block’s piece in Huff Post. I would love to indulge in this freedom.

SEAF 2025

I had plans to go to this month’s Seattle Erotic Art Festival. I was looking forward to it very much, but it just wasn’t in the cards. Financially, I spent a lot on a regrettable meetup last month and on the recent remodel of our kids’ rooms (not regrettable). I also didn’t have anyone to go with. If I was more familiar with the event, sure, but I’ve had scary incidents in Seattle while being fully clothed, and for this event, I would be rather scantily-clad.

I get antsy about not going because I really feel like the years are flying by. I get bummed out that I have to travel so far for events that challenge and intrigue me. Sure, “there’s always next year,” but when you’ve been cloistered in ministry for over two decades, the desire to melt into a puddle, so you can run off, drip, and saturate as much as possible is fierce.

Improving my sexy selfie skills

I’ve garnered quite a library of sexy selfies, but I want to play with more poses, props, and techniques. I also want to get to a point where I post more of them here and on IG and not care what others think about me.

Katy Perry Selfie GIF By Vulture.Com on GIPHY

Burlesque

I’ve been going to burlesque class since July 2023 and actually missed my first class this past Thursday. I’m writing about this for my too-long-to-compose NYT Modern Love attempt #3. It would be fun to perform in public at least once, but it’s still awkward to touch myself sometimes in class. (No problem with others around in a sexual context.) This also makes me angry… lost time and issues with body ownership. Fuck purity culture.

Videos of self-pleasure

I’ve done this in the past for others and have toggled between feeling silly and invincible. Want to feel less silly as I record more just for me. The challenge is getting into it without a recipient.

Commission a nude of myself

I want to hang that sucker up, and when people visit, I just shrug, smile, and continue the house tour.

Don’t worry, I got this. | Ned Beatty Art GIF on GIPHY

Get comfortable with shorter dresses, crop tops, and bare shoulders in my wardrobe

This, and other items on this list, sound stupid and juvenile to me, but it just shows how the ghost of church and purity culture shame women into thinking how dangerous their bodies are. My husband gets annoyed (seriously) when he sees a sexy piece of clothing, recommends it, I love it, but don’t get it because of the haunting “inappropriateness.” And I so badly want to get it.

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I’m sure to add more to this list, but it’s a good start. It’s bittersweet because it reveals exciting plans, but when we first opened up our marriage, I was hoping I would find someone to join me in these exploits, especially with my kink list. After all, that was the point. My husband supports me but doesn’t have the same interests.

So there… this was kind of depressing. Go self-discovery!

But really, do you think I should add anything? Open to ideas. It’s for the art, the craft, after all, and I need stories to tell. (I’m probably going to fart during the yoni massage.)