My Solo Sensuality List (2025 Update)
THAT kind of massage, touch-free orgasms, and performing in public...
Writer’s note: When I reference a touchy subject in my marriage via my writing, I give my husband full and line-item veto power because it’s his story, too.
Times he has enacted that power: 0
I’m thankful for his support of me, confidence in us, and his own self-assurance… even if he thought the acts in Babygirl were “demeaning.” (I thought they were pretty tame.)
My name is Desiree, and I’m in a sexually incompatible marriage. I really don’t like talking about it, especially since I don’t know too many women encountering the same dynamic where the woman is the sexual siren and the husband just doesn’t have sex on his mind.
If you want to read more, here you go:
My sex therapist assures me that this dynamic exists. Sure, I’ve had a number of women reach out, but there is still a veil of shame as they anonymously contact me. There aren’t exactly support groups for this. Then again, if there was a local support group, I could see myself annoyed with the trauma bonding, fuming and disrespectfully sighing because it would remind me of Wednesday night small group where you are only someone if you are struggling with the flesh (but don’t struggle with it too much). After spending my mindspace giving each participant a heart-warming nickname, I would flirt with another horny wife and end up involved in a ravenous intimate relationship because that would be easier than sorting through the mess of Feeld again.
Now don’t get me wrong. My husband and I have a great marriage. We have the same foundational beliefs. (We felt ready to leave organized religion at the same time. Not the case with many couples.) We are able to focus on our overlapping interests. We are a fantastic tag team with our three kids. When we’re intimate, I’m giddy and satiated. (A lot of “we.”)
But I still need to fill in the gaps. Some moms go to “paint and sip” classes, indulge in Colleen Hoover books, or overspend at Target.
Those don’t amuse me. I gravitate towards the sensual. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have these opportunities growing up in evangelicalism. Now seeing my provocative nature as a gift, I finally feel confident in my body and am not concerned with the judgment of others as I approach 42.
But community is still an enigma. I’ve read liberating accounts from women in mid-life who have divorced their husbands and found an outlet for their desires, but what about those of us who want to stay married? Gillian Anderson’s compilation of confessionals in last year’s Want reveals that a lot of us are content in our relationships, but we still crave. Nonmonogamous dating is not an option for many, and I can attest that it’s not as easy and carefree as featured in popular mainstream media, hence my solo sensuality endeavors.
One thing I’ve come to realize as I engage in this discovery is that I’m normal. I love and appreciate myself as I continue to find my cravings and curiosity more alluring.
I created my solo sensuality list last year as a way to control my sexual journey, adding intentionality. As I’ve mentioned, ENM dating wasn’t fulfilling me which reflects how many women feel about dating in general.
I’ve edited the original list with brief status updates on how I’ve fulfilled some items, but with a deep desire to further my own discovery, I wanted to produce a new list after checking off some of these previous endeavors.
I know many just want the damn list already. My apologies for not including a “Jump to Recipe” button at the top.
But remember this isn’t about how we got Grandma’s Walnut Banana Bread.
This is about my life.
There are many gifted writers with worthwhile analysis about the topics I write about, but my writing takes on a striking pivot because the analysis is me, a very real person who hid for too long.
Please keep that in mind.
With that, I bring you the plans, the desires, the curiosities I hope will deliciously unravel me in the coming year.
Yoni massage
This is still very much on the table, and I actually researched a few providers before I headed to Seattle-Tacoma last October. I had a budget to stick to though, so it got pushed to 2025.
In case you are not aware of what this is, here’s what I said about it last year:
Let’s ask Wikipedia for help: “Yoni massage or yonic massage, derived from the word Yoni, a representation of the vulva which symbolizes the goddess Shakti, is a type of Tantric1 full-body massage. It primarily focuses on the labia, clitoris, G-spot, uterus, the breasts, the anus and other erogenous zones.”
There are gray areas in regard to how legal (in many cases, no) and regulated (nope) the practice is.
So that’s all I’m going to say about that right now.
I plan on making a spreadsheet of providers, looking for someone who sees the practice as their life calling. In other words, not an influencer selling a PDF that includes a coloring page of my genitals.
Understanding my goddess role
Maybe it’s derived from the undoing of evangelical life, but being the one who is adored and revered greatly appeals to me, and this started when I embarked in ENM connections. I’m a switch (depending on the person or situation), so I gravitate towards the dominance of a goddess, especially when it comes to restricting how my body is marked and handled, but I also love being the fantasy girl who gives what others do not get in “real” life. The goddess role can mean different things to people, but this is how I embody it in the simplest sense. I want to read more and find others who similarly identify, specifically solo. (I mean, a goddess should be a limited, untouchable kind of thing, right?)
The title has seeped into my "normal" life with my husband and friends referencing it, such as: "You're a goddess, so snap out of it!"
Taking on this spiritual essence, I even have a sexual bucket list titled “The Religion” which I’ve semi-retired to a dark corner menagerie in my Google Drive. It’s sacred, only having been shared with maybe three people.
I haven’t looked at it in a year and a half. Did I say “sacred”? Maybe I meant “scary.”
Exhibitionist opportunities
Now it’s important that these are done within context because just flashing someone without their consent is yuck. I like being watched and though I don’t see myself going to a sex club again, I would love to go to venues where nudity is welcome. One such is the Myself! event at The Center for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle…
Where, you know…
You masturbate in front of others.
Don’t look at me like that.
(But that means making it over to the Westside.)
In fact, all the (feasible) events
I missed Seattle Erotic Art Festival last year, but that will NOT HAPPEN this year. Additionally, there are some other events piquing my interest. Sure, finances are a thing, but I tend to make a lot of excuses, especially when I feel I’ll meet my kismet people and they’ll live too far, so why bother?
I need to stop this negative thinking.
I want to build community where I meet safe people to learn and discover with while building my interviewing skills.
Coffee table book
Just for my own benefit, I want all my sexy photos, evidence of my shy self shattering through a shell of restrictive mantras and norms, in book form. I’m so proud of these photos (featured in my “Provocative Lookbook” monthly paid posts) as they serve as emotional nostalgia, transporting me to seasons of life with different people, playlists, and circumstances.
I have a number of somewhat NSFW photo printing resources from a friend I did an interview with last year, but this would be a huge project in itself.
Definitely worth it though.
Then allow me to offer you some advice: Take a thousand, naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, "Oh, I'm too spooky." Or, "Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies." But, believe me, one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, "Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!"
Moira Rose
Perfecting my mental edging exercise
Totally failed on this one. This is what I said last year about it:
I haven’t done this in a while, but I was surprised how far gone I was last time. I don’t even know if there’s a name for this. Basically, a specific, very sexy song goes on repeat. I imagine a partner on the other side of the room, and I talk through what I want to do. I also try not to touch myself. I then pretend I’m getting closer and closer to the imaginary partner until I’m about to burst.
As I’ve said before: “You can keep the mysteries of the universe and the unexplored darkness of the deepest oceans. I’m humbled by the most ominous last frontier. The human mind.”
I plan on diving deep into the research. This is a very rudimentary starting point, especially since I’m focusing more on a touch-free orgasm rather than hands-free.
More sexy selfie shoots
Same as last year, but I’m getting more specific about my setting. As I’ve mentioned before, this act is like therapy for me, so my goal is to do these once a quarter. Thankfully and with some careful planning, there are a few interesting Airbnbs within a two-hour radius that fulfill my need for interesting aesthetics without going broke.2
Burlesque
This is also a continuation from last year’s list, but we’re moving into actual possible performance mode. 😬
And yes, I have practiced with my tassel pasties.
Repurposing “The Foxhole”
Many of you know that I have a she shed in my backyard named “The Foxhole.” My wonderful husband turned our tool shed with electricity into my office during the pandemic. I’ve found that I use it in a variety of ways, so I want to do some edits.
This includes mirrors along one wall for burlesque, moving out some furniture, adding more inspirational erotic art, and including a special area to display my favorite lingerie and sensual wear. I also want to dedicate space for my toys and a comfortable spot to get into my mind palace as mentioned above.
Basically, a provocateur’s laboratory.
Oh, and a place for family and friends to stay when they’re visiting.
That’s all I got for now. Like last time, this list is just a beginning.
We’ll see what comes this year, one where I focus on my own expectations, probably make some U-turns, and meet other delightful souls along the way.
A polite favor: In regard to my marriage, unless you’re a woman in a similar position, please refrain from giving me advice (and even then, be careful). When it comes to recommendations concerning the actual items on my checklist, the table is open, but don’t make me block you or disable comments.
There are so many of us in sexually incompatible relationships, but stay b/c you match with for all of the reasons. And I appreciate this so much because they don’t know how to have these conversations and you’re giving people language to use with their partners. And so open and honest – that’s both vulnerable and strong. Thank you. You’re a terrific writer and I’m subscribing.
Absolutely adore this and I haven’t even gotten to the delicious bottom yet!