Prepping for My Sex Club Visit
Why am I already bored?
Hi, beautiful people. Content warning: rambling.
As many of you know, I’m spreading my wings and indulging in solo sensuality pursuits.
I’m venting a bit here, so please bare with me. I’m still finding my way while I flip over metaphorical stones and skip down allegorical paths as I discover more about my sensuality and sexual interests, especially post-evangeli-crazy-town.
My therapist has encouraged me on these solo endeavors but asked if they were serving as a distraction from ethical nonmonogamous dating.
My husband accused me of this as well. Well, duh, people… if I go to Airbnbs to take sexy selfies, plunge nude with strangers in hot springs, and work on burlesque routines, I display myself as a strong woman who is releasing her inhibitions and celebrating sensual ownership.
And steering clear of rejection, toxic relationships (still my favorite post on here), and annoying swingers and unicorn hunters.
But how will I explore my kinks (tantric sex!)? How long will I be in denial about my polyamorous nature?
Recently with a few connections, I was happy to let the red flags fly, but I wouldn’t call this self-sabotage because I felt relief when I wished people well or let communication trail off. Honestly, the spark just wasn’t there, even after I gave them opportunities to show substance. This felt responsible. After some time, my needs and expectations weren’t being met. Why force it? Why waste time?
But when I cut everything off with two separate partners in my past, I felt deep regret. I would say that this was self-sabotage. I ended things over small miscommunication, but I was really scared of rejection and the unknown. Yep, self-sabotage.
So I just do stuff on my own now because I don’t live in the most poly-friendly area and distance is the ultimate cockblocker. (I just can’t do it. Long distance is not for me.)
With that, enter: errand on the Westside (what eastern Washingtonians call the big city areas west of the Cascades). I figured I would put on my big-girl panties (actually, I won’t be wearing panties) and visit a sex club while I’m in the area.
I had to pay a membership fee that automatically vomits me into their own little FetLife-like social network. I put up a few sexy pics and was hoping I would strike up conversations with people who were attending the same night/event (the theme is lame) as me.
No, it’s been people who initially greet me with “I would love to meet you!” I also had people who weren’t attending that same night but asked me to meet them while I was in town.
Precious.
I still plan on going, but my agenda will primarily include observing, masturbating, and maybe consenting to having a woman’s face in my crotch, I guess. (I bumped up my Brazilian for this trip.) My husband says I’m too much of an exhibitionist to just be an audience member. Try me, babe.
Accepting my e x t r e m e l y l o w expectations for the sex club, I perked up when the ol’ Instagram came through via its creepy algorithms and spit an interesting event into my feed, one hosted at another Seattle locale that same exact night. I’m strongly considering getting a ticket for this more kinky and queer-inclusive showcase. I’m not a night owl though. This is tough, but my goodness, the possibilities.
I wish I had something more insightful for you. I put the memoir on pause as I’m revising a piece for a top-tier literary journal submission, working on my own fully choreographed routine that I’m getting my burlesque teacher’s feedback on later this month, and spending time with my awesome husband and kids (Homecoming!).
So many writers here on Substack seem like experts, and I’m here learning as I go. I really do thank you, amazing readers, for coming on this ride. I’ve had some people ask about paid subscriptions, and I’ll provide what that looks like and what I’m offering at the end of the month.
Whether free or paid, I appreciate your companionship on my journey, and I hope it inspires you in bold ways.
As someone who has also struggled to find my wants and desires, I love following your journey.
Why is a strong initial contact needed to have a sexual encounter? I understand wanting to be safe, not abused and even someone with a brain, in the upper head. Why so much doubt in your own ability to be the sensible, sensitive, sensual sexual woman? You train in burlesque, and from what you impart to your readers, you're quite accomplished at it. Your therapist has even suggested the extra curriculum to put your theories and desire to good use what is keeping your feet from dipping into the proverbial pool? Are you really thinking that a cerebral or even a heart felt connected encounter will be the ultimate highlight of this search? Be a woman with needs and desires experiment and see what safely looks like a possible cork reliever. Then go for YOUR unicorn. I say this with love and respect have fun then search for the Golden Fleece.