The Art and Humility of Assessing Oneself

Keeping my "main character energy" in check as I return to FetLife

Eating lunch and scrolling through infinity.

In my professional development job, I teach a Personality Styles class. Before diving into our objectives, I ask participants to simply describe themselves without fancy psychological jargon.

Some people struggle to come up with an answer or sigh while others are ready to go with a few adjectives accompanied with extra commentary.

I like putting people on the spot and asking questions that they tend to not ponder in our surface-y world. I feel like I’m doing them a service. Internally, I’m thinking I’m making you feel uncomfortable over a topic you should feel comfortable about. And usually, the ones who have issue with the question are the people who are acting like asses and making life uncomfortable for their coworkers in their departments.

My training room offers me a semi-Machiavellian flex, I suppose.

How do I answer the question myself? I’m driven, passionate, loyal, impatient, and direct with a dark sense of humor. When I’m hurt or ghosted, those unfortunate souls involved people are moved to my mental periphery on their way off a proverbial cliff in my brain or I only offer waves and smiles in passing. (As I previously mentioned in the last “The Fracture,” I’m “Reverse Hotel California.” Once you check out, you can’t come back. I smile as I turn on my “No Vacancy” sign when life starts raining.) I give a lot of myself to the people I care about, and I expect it to be reciprocated. People regularly come into my office for encouragement, my thought-provoking questions, and because “I just like being in your presence.”

I know what I offer.

And I say all of this, the good and the bad, when conversations about this topic come up. I don’t sugarcoat who I am. It doesn’t embarrass me. My transparency serves as a litmus test that quickly eliminates. I like that about me.

I attribute this to “main character energy (MCE),” which is defined as:

“… the confidence, charisma, and self-assuredness that is often associated with the main character in a story or movie. It's the feeling of being in control of your own narrative and embracing your uniqueness. Main-character energy is all about owning your story and being the hero of your own life.”

A study from last year found that those who see themselves as the main character in their life narratives “have higher well-being and greater satisfaction of their basic psychological needs compared to those who see themselves as minor characters.” It’s easy to see how MCE gets a bad wrap for amping up tendencies towards self-centeredness and narcissism, but it’s all about balance. In my career, I’ve learned that most people don’t advocate for themselves and usually estimate their contributions and efforts as lower than how their supervisors see them via performance appraisals.

Also if I was such a bitch, people wouldn’t come to me so often to get my insight or reveal their darkest secrets.

So there.

Source: Royal Family Drama GIF by PBS on GIPHY

(It may help that my office is pretty cool with inspiring words on the walls, party decor hanging from the ceiling, twinkle lights, The Office Lego set displayed, and unlimited Mambas in my candy jar.)

Past profile prose

During my ethical nonmonogamy heyday (2001-2024), I traversed what seemed like almost all the apps. I actually had different versions of my profile spiel saved in Google Keep notes that I edited over and over.

While others posted pre-COVID pics and emphasized “no drama” (usually a sign that they are a lot of drama) skimpy bios, I provided a recent mix of pictures with humorous and clear information of what I was (or wasn’t) looking for.

Here’s one of my past examples from 2024:

Sure, let's do this again.

I have a lot on the horizon in regard to my writing and professional career and am looking for adventurous friends to share in sexual exploration, dark humor, and good eats.

I connect well with fellow creatives and ambitious folk who are interested in delightful escapes without endless texting back and forth.

All about interacting with a variety of people, but I prefer women and those who identify as female.

Experienced with couples, but I'm a goddess, not a unicorn.

Attached to an amazing man who does not share in my sexual interests but supports my endeavors.

I've traveled too far for meetups and dates in the past, so I'm only connecting with those in eastern WA and NE OR. Frequent WA wine country? Maybe we can talk.

YES to those pursuing healthy bodies and minds.

NO to those in DADT situations with their nesting partners. (I value honesty with no gray areas.)

Looking forward to embracing my sensuality with new provocative pals.

And another from 2023:

No couples. No doubt, I'm rare, but I'm a goddess, not a unicorn.

Hot wife seeking solo. I need depth, not dick pics. (Unless requested, and then you promptly obey.)

I tend to be dominant with younger women and submissive with older women and men. I do like to switch it up though. (Guys, let me peg you.)

Connection, passion, and humor are required. Please bring substance and a desire for sexual exploration.

I do not respond to people with no bios. As a writer, I find it as the ultimate turn-off. I get bombarded on here, so it's a useful filter.

Ultimately, I'm looking for someone to finally make me nervous and blush. I also crave in-person connection and dates, so not looking for an online penpal.

Waiting to bless a mere mortal.

Oh, sweet memories.

The purpose this time around

So I’m not looking for a fuck buddy. I get bored too easily. No one sparkles for me anymore. It’s been a long time since I’ve been attracted to anyone aside from my husband. When I get the butterflies, it’s usually because I’m concentrating too hard on a map (geography nerd here), engaged in a complex, hilarious story with one of my kids, or ignoring my intolerance to lactose.

I’m looking for community, thoughtful engagement in the sensuality and kink space, and people who would be comfortable companions at a nude hot springs retreat or neotantra conference.

We’re on the hunt for vibrating butt plugs. | Source: tv show pll the perfectionists GIF by Pretty Little Liars on GIPHY

As mentioned above, I’m also not looking for a long-distance pen pal. I’m in need of in-person, face-to-face interactions where we go to lunch, talk about our family vacations, and discuss our favorite lube. I tend to get bombarded by Seattle, Portland, and Boise people who don’t know how to read or think they can convince me they are worth the drive. (I just can’t kick my allergy to the state of Idaho, so those people wouldn’t even be an option.)

My expectations have been brought down, quite low, especially after the sex club visit. So I decided to return to FetLife. The Village Voice named FetLife as the best site for kink enthusiasts with a “community feel,” referred to as the “Facebook for kinksters.” (I haven’t had a Facebook account in years, so I don’t know if that’s a good thing.) I’ve enjoyed the conversation on the site in the past… but nothing sparked. I was just happy to engage with people who were like me. I’ve had normie friends who were spooked by me or were supportive spectators who made me feel like a carnival act to tame or gawk at. I need my people.

Now some of you might be saying, “Come on, Desiree, no sex? Especially when discussing these topics?” (My husband included.)

Sure, and that’s why I guess I’m/we’re monogamish now. Not likely but not off the table. With that, it means clear communication is imperative. Always.

So let’s get started.

Creating my profile

Ugh. Entering a nickname. I shouldn’t be bogged down already. So I have a name I’ve always used for dating apps in the past, but I’m kind of semi-known in my neck of the woods by it. Should I keep a good thing going? I actually didn’t use it last time on FetLife because it was already taken. The one time I concocted something different, it was similar to a sexy detective.

I decided to go down a rabbit hole of provocative French words. Hold on, I’m buffering…

That literally took 15 minutes, but done. Username: check! (I need to practice pronouncing it now.)

Selected my orientations (bi/pan/queer) and roles (goddess, switch, sensualist, exhibitionist). Added a beautiful main pic and three flirty ones. Verified my profile.

Ta-da.

Now, what to say in my About section?

Previously, this was a big deal where I concocted long bios. It was like I had to prove my main character energy. I wanted to be a powerful draw. You would see that I was a protagonist worth her prose. (This may stem from the fact I was an ugly duckling, geek-wad in my youth and in ministry where I went far in my mind and pretended people paid attention to me. As I’ve noted in previous posts, my inner Gollum likes to whisper about how much of a fake I am.)

That validation has loosened its grip considerably. Now, my MCE tells me to just offer a serrated, brief description and select Community, Friendship, and Events as what I’m looking for. I unchecked the boxes for notifications (don’t care), and I was finished.

And that’s what’s really interesting: whittling it down to the basics. As a goddess, I don’t chase. I’m comfortable in my own. I have specific desired outcomes.

We done. | Source: Mad Addams Family GIF on GIPHY

In mere minutes, I got likes, comments on my pics, and messages from men on the other side of the country… and world. (No, I don’t feel special.) Sheesh. Delete, delete, delete. I just said “I’m only connecting with…”

Browsing through the local people was abysmal, but we shall see (so many inactive profiles!). I joined a couple of local groups, so, again, we shall see (so many dead message threads!).

This is going to be grand.

Taking MCE with me through interactions

In a sex space like FetLife, it’s easy to find people looking to take advantage of others and elevate their own pursuits, but I think healthy MCE should be required when navigating these intimate roles of vulnerability… and being inundated with dick pics.

Again, this is very different from narcissistic personality disorder which is marked by a lack of empathy and grandiose feelings of superiority.

Abby Lombardo, LMFT advocates for her patients to channel their MCE by following a list of ten go-to behaviors which include “start listening to your own wants, needs, boundaries, stop criticizing and judging, start being vulnerable, and stop trying to be ‘normal.’”

Again, that balance. Be firm in your boundaries, but don’t write people off too soon. Come with open-mindedness, but don’t take shit.

And yes, taking the initiative and making the first move. I don’t like this one unless…

As I yawned through profiles, one gave me the shakes, readers.

Someone who offers tantric and yoni massages (THE LIST!). At that point, main character energy doesn’t mean looking cool or taking my precious time.

It’s meticulously reading over this kinkster’s massage offerings, precisely following their contact directions, and sending an inquiry while trying my hardest not to sound like… well, how many people sound when sending me a message.

How humbling, right?

To be continued. Will keep you posted.

With that, I’m not going to say FetLife will deliver me a bagful of Panda Express fortune cookie life lessons, but it has the potential for me to elevate some supportive characters.

UPDATE: I didn’t even last two days. Bombarded by many unsolicited, faceless naked photos. A “boudoir” proposition. Best of all, after communicating with a suspicious someone in particular, I realized the individual was a local person who I blocked on here and IG.

Main character energy sometimes means cutting your chapters short.

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Though I’ve ventured down many internet holes, I’m open to any other recommendations in finding community in this niche. Feel free to comment with some suggestions.